Why I Don’t Contact My Mom On Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day was difficult for me this year. I had a fun filled day making memories with my babies and my wonderful spouse. But… I knew I would not hear from my mom nor would I try to contact her.

Over the last three years, my relationship with my mom has become non-existent which I always knew would happen. There has always been something deep in me that wanted space from her but a bigger part of me that wants a healthy and supportive relationship with her. I have come to realize the latter was never true nor would it be, so I created a boundary which meant I would be keeping my distance from her.

Let me tell you a story

On Mother’s Day 2021, I spoke to my older sister who had planned a Mother’s Day dinner for our mom and her mother in law. My sister and I at this time had a great relationship that we had built over the past few years and we bonded over our frustration and unhappiness with our mom. Despite our feelings towards her, we always wanted to include our mom in special occasions and family events. My sister had informed me that my mom had decided not to go to the planned dinner because she “wasn’t feeling well.” I knew from experience that this was a lie that she uses when she simply doesn’t want to do something. I decided to call my mom and ask why she wasn’t going to celebrate Mother’s Day with her family? Side note… my mom lives alone and about 30 minutes away from my sister. Of course she told me that same story that she “wasn’t feeling well” which I called her out on as I had spoken to her the day before and she was fine. Plus I told her that this is always used as an excuse when she wants to avoid anyone. I was mad that she wasn’t going so I told her this is her opportunity to do something for Mother’s Day and to be with people who care about her. She snapped back at me with her usual fake tears saying that she doesn’t want to celebrate Mother’s Day because her grandma and mom are gone so how should she feel.

Here is where I saw red because this is an egregious lie that she was using to avoid her family. The way she brought up her own mom as an excuse was disgusting to me. My grandma passed away when I was 5 years old, meaning she passed away 26 years before this conversation. My grandma is not spoken about because they had their own harsh and truthfully abusive relationship on the part of my grandma. Not only has my grandma not been spoken about, my mom does not visit her grave which is in the same town. Writing this now, I am still baffled at this conversation and I still do not understand why this was brought up but I am chalking it up to a lie to avoid her family.

Moving on…

You’re probably wondering why I didn’t see my mom or go to the planned dinner? Well, I live 3 hours away from what was my family and at that time I was 7 months pregnant with my first child and we had just moved into our first home. Not only that, I was usually the one who does all of the travelling to see people and for events, so this year we were staying put. I can truly say there was an understanding why I would only be calling to say hi and happy Mother’s Day. All of the years prior, I was either making trips to see her, in University, or working. Any time I was unable to see her, I would make an effort to call her before and on Mother’s Day. We had a good relationship then.

There has never been a Mother’s Day where I did not at least call my mom. This year is different. After my daughter was born, our relationship became strained to non-existent. The times I have needed a ‘mom’ in my life, I was left hanging. The most significant time to me was when my daughter was born in July 2021. My mom had planned to come live with me when my daughter was born to do what I thought would be the usual things new moms received help with. Helping with meals and around the house and maybe some kind of surprise when I came home from the hospital. I was completely wrong and blindsided by her. She arrived at my house around 10:00pm the day I came home from the hospital. At this point I was in constant tears from baby blues and breastfeeding woes (we’ll talk about this more later). When I needed my own mom to give me reassurance and a simple hug, I was given huffs and puffs and nothing close to what I thought she came here to do. She left three days after arriving and blamed it on wanting to give us ‘space’.

After she left, I started to keep my distance. I no longer would text her or send her baby photos but I did reach out and call her, especially because new moms need someone to talk to. That lasted to Christmas when she came to my house to celebrate with us. That was the last Christmas she decided to spend with either of her daughters (more on that later, it’s a good story). I started to dig deep in myself at this point as I was left with a baby and my thoughts which became therapeutic to me. I started to count all of the times I was let down by those around me. Strangely enough it was always by the women in my family. You start to wonder why you are being treated like this and if it’s something you’ve done. Well in this case, it wasn’t me. It was them.

I always knew deep down that one day I would be estranged from my family. I fiercely protected them even when I knew their behaviour was toxic, embarrassing, and sometimes abusive. This changed 100% after having my first child. One of my major personal development paths I was instantly set on during the aforementioned time, was to let go of these lingering feelings from my youth and realize that I cannot hold on to those who constantly hurt me. It’s so easy to just live with the hurt we had growing up and think well it makes me a better person having gone through it. Yes and no. I know I have certain strengths in my character the came from these experiences but I also know that as humans we can be so much more with encouragement, support, and affection.

I remember looking at my newborn in the hospital with her delicate face and tiny hands and swearing that I would be the mom she deserved. A mom that showers her in affection and attention and would never be the reason she felt embarrassed. As her third birthday rolls around, I can say I am still living up to that promise. Imagine the life I can give my children if they do not know the struggles I faced, the unsafe life I was given, the complete emotional void I was raised in. I believe that choosing to have a healthy life both physically and emotionally is the best thing you can give yourself and your loved ones. Sometimes that means creating those hard boundaries with those you once called your mom and sister.